When I think of the changes I’ve made in my life, they’re always about growth and an increase in consciousness. One thing we can be certain of is that none of us grow backwards. Most of the time, the changes I’ve experienced have been thrilling. The different hats I’ve worn I’ve worn by design; the different roles I’ve played in life have become deeply interwoven in me. The more I allow intimate dialogue between these parts of myself, the happier I am.
I now consciously seek synthesis between the many disparate parts of my life: my screenwriter’s love of a good narrative, my activist’s passion to keep small farmers and the food they make protected, my researcher’s geeky love of sharing nutrition information, my earth mother’s quiet enjoyment of a good cuddle with my girls and my dogs, my actress’s heart that skips a beat when it finds itself in the happy chaos of a film set, and the girl side of me who loves a pretty dress and a good lipstick.
The changes that have been harder for me were the ones that took me by surprise. The ones that I didn’t initiate (or so it seemed), or were triggered by circumstance. Having my first child changed a lot for me. I wasn’t expecting to embrace motherhood so strongly, which I lustily took to as my career languished. I wasn’t planning to be a stay-at-home mom, but in a way that felt like part choice and part circumstance, I became one. Not only was I not prepared for the wave of changes that occurred after the honeymoon phase of motherhood waned – hormonal changes, energetic changes, time changes — but they occurred slowly enough that I wasn’t fully aware of the downward spiral they were taking me on.
I was depleted, I was lethargic, and most troubling, I had lost that simple spark, that zest for life, which I had always depended on to create art or indeed, to create anything. My diminished mood and vitality had become my new normal.
It did not help matters when – just as I was feeling the first inkling that I needed to make changes to address the changes – I entered a period of secondary infertility as my husband and I tried to get pregnant with our second child. Three years of a combination of different protocols – from herbs to hypnosis to acupuncture to IVF — and I finally did get pregnant again.
After the birth of our second child, I became determined to make real change, to re-discover what I had lost. At that point I had been reading and researching deeply in the areas of food, consciousness, mental health and holistic wellness for the better part of 20 years. I realized I had to walk my talk.